Actscelerate.com

Paintball (filled with Olive Oil) Anointing from the Platform

Acts-pert Poster Posts: 15570 **6/5/17 5:45 am**

Ole Aaron in another thread brought up the subject a paintball guns for self defense. This got the ole timer a thinkin, which momma says is sometimes dangerous. But heres the gist of it:

1. Have specially designed paintballs made filled with, not paint, but olive oil.

2. As needed, the pastor could shoot (I mean anoint) folk out in the audience, all while standin on the platform.

3. The olive oil filled paintball hits a person in the forehead, splatters, the oil runs down their face, an they're anointed.

4. The force a the paintball hittin em knocks em down, which gives the needed Pennycostal affect.

5. It's all sanitary.

Call today, 1-800-SMACKEM, for a free introductory kit.

Finally! Something we can agree on....

Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology Posts: 6042 **6/5/17 6:10 am**

Number One, make it so.

Aim correctly

Acts Mod Posts: 25305 **6/5/17 7:36 am**

And the bodies will hit the floor each time Laughing

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[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 14803 **6/5/17 8:18 am**

You can have different makes of guns. You could have a Todd Bentley special that has a lot of kick. You can have a Benny Hinn automatic which makes it easy to knock them down again when they start to get back up.

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 14803 **6/5/17 8:20 am**

Ole Timer, sometimes you get me to thinking, too. You know those little machines for launching skeet? That would be great to have over in the corner next to a box of little rattlesnakes. You could launch those little suckers all over the congregation.

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 14803 **6/5/17 8:22 am**

Just had another idea. This might be good for somebody like Steve Furtick and his baptismal numbers. You could have a water balloon cannon and do spontaneous baptisms.

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 14803 **6/5/17 8:23 am**

Now, the only thing left to figure out is how to get projectiles of money shooting in the opposite directions. (Or maybe an innovative way for the preacher to "hit 'em up" for some more donations.)

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 14803 **6/5/17 8:26 am**

I recommend an airsoft pistol for the off chance a squirrel goes berserk in the First Self-Righteous Church.

(I use one for the squirrels that visit my birdfeeder.)

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 14803 **6/5/17 8:31 am**

You know how the Puritans (or whoever, don't remember for sure) used to use a feather on a stick to keep people awake during service.
There has to be a way to modify that system so that it is done with a projectile from the platform.

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 14803 **6/5/17 8:33 am**

Ole Timer, you need to diversify. Ole Timer's Holy Righteous Platform Projectiles: all a packing preacher needs to perform his duties

You can cover the anointing, the baptizing, the snake handling, the keeping folks awake, and somehow the offering (boomerangs, maybe?).

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 14803 **6/5/17 8:38 am**

Just a question. Are you going to sell to churches that allow women elders? It just might offend John Piper's sensibilities to know that women are handling guns from the stage, especially if they do it in an "authoritative manner." Maybe you can sell guns for the women that have little lace doilies on top as a symbol of being under authority.

Acts-pert Poster Posts: 15570 **6/6/17 8:13 am**

10 posts an the last 7 of em is Miss Bonnie talkin to herself. Did you stop takin your meds, Miss Bonnie? Laughing

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 14803 **6/6/17 8:20 am**

Ole Timer, I don't need meds--I got Actscelerate!!! LOL!
No, I'm not on anything but ibuprofen, which does tend to make me irritable. I'm the type who prefers not to take unnecessary medications, so even if I were crazy, I would prefer not to take meds for it.
Now, as far as the numerous posts, I could have just put all of them into one, but I know a lot of folks here have short attention spans, and I have found it works better to put just a little in each post.
But I do enjoy talking to myself. We have interesting conversations. Wink

Okay, so what about some feedback on my ideas so that I'm not just talking to myself. I especially like the idea about the snakes. What do you think, Ole Timer?

01000001 01100011 01110100 01110011 Posts: 24285 **6/6/17 10:50 am**

01000001 01100011 01110100 01110011 Posts: 24285 **6/6/17 10:55 am**

[quote="bonnie knox"]Ole Timer, I don't need meds--I got Actscelerate!!! LOL!
..., I could have just put all of them into one, but I know a lot of folks here have short attention spans, and I have found it works better to put just a little in each post.
...

..../quote]

Yep, Guilty! I don't buy green bananas either! Cool

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Re: Paintball (filled with Olive Oil) Anointing from the Platform

Acts-pert Poster Posts: 16646 **6/6/17 12:03 pm**

Re: Paintball (filled with Olive Oil) Anointing from the Platform

Acts-pert Poster Posts: 15570 **6/6/17 1:56 pm**

Acts-pert Poster Posts: 15570 **6/6/17 2:02 pm**

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 12817 **6/6/17 3:02 pm**

I actually heard of a CoG pastor who took the idea of anointing the pews and the altars with oil literally to the next level. He used a super-soaker water gun and anointed the roof and outside walls of his church.

If only it were that easy.

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 14803 **6/7/17 8:57 pm**

Ole Timer, I mentioned this thread to darling son, and he thought you ought to incorporate the words Acme Keep-on-the-Firing-Line Company into the name. Idea