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What do you say to a couple who miscarry?

Acts-celerater Posts: 717 **1/2/13 4:39 pm**

What do you say to a couple who lose their baby before it is born?
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Re: What do you say to a couple who miscarry?

Golf Cart Mafia Capo Posts: 2714 **1/2/13 4:56 pm**

Golf Cart Mafia Underboss Posts: 3944 **1/2/13 5:05 pm**

You don't tell them that it is common (no big deal). The doctor has already told them that. Don't tell them they can always try again. They already know that, too. Do not dismiss this as anything less than the terrible loss that it is.

I would suggest that you tell them that God loves them and loved their child before it was born. You tell them they had every reason to be happy about the baby's creation, and every reason to grieve the loss. You tell them this happens to sinners and saints alike, that it is no judgment on them, no matter what they have done.

Tell them that this is one more example of why our hope is not in this life, or in this world. You tell them their Heaven just became more compelling.

[Insert Acts Pun Here] Posts: 13654 **1/2/13 5:08 pm**

Pretty sure I wouldn't say anything to them... I would just love them and be there for them. There aren't any words you can say to make the pain better. Just love them and be there for them. In time there may be occasion to give them comfort and assurance regarding the eternal home of their lost child.

Aside from Bro Bob's statement regarding judgment, which would be appropriate if someone was feeling fear or concern related to that, I don't think I would want to hear any of that if, God forbid, this were to happen to my family. I would just want friends who would be there to laugh and cry with me.

My best friend went through this...

Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology Posts: 5161 **1/2/13 5:35 pm**

They had been trying to get pregnant for about 4 years. She got pregnant, and then lost the baby.

I didn't say anything. I prayed with him, cried with him, and lifted him up, but there wasn't anything I could say that he didn't already know.

That was 2 years ago now, and they still aren't pregnant. I'll occassionally ask how he and his wife are doing with that, but I don't go into much. I don't want them to feel (or be) identified as "can't have a baby".

Miscarried twice.....say nothing....

Acts-perienced Poster Posts: 11798 **1/2/13 5:43 pm**

Just be there and listen. As one person stated, too many times we want to answer. We heard all those things and it did not help. Just be there.

Acts-pert Poster Posts: 16509 **1/2/13 5:59 pm**

Agreed. Been there twice. Nothing can be said any different than if the baby died after being born.

Golf Cart Mafia Soldier Posts: 2458 **1/2/13 9:46 pm**

we lost 2 babies...just say "I'm so sorry for your loss...I'll be praying for you". That's about all that needs to be said.

Hon. Dr. in Acts-celeratology Posts: 5923 **1/2/13 10:06 pm**

I think some of what you say depends on your relationship with the person/couple. If you are a family member or a pastor, I think reassurance that you will see the baby again, you didn't do anything wrong, etc., comforting words are expected and needed.

If you are a friend, be there for them...to cry with them and hold them as they grieve. Don't ignore it. If they want to talk or grieve, allow them that option. Sometimes you don't have to say anything...just be with them.

If you are a woman and have been through this experience, I think it would be comforting to hear how God helped you through this time, etc., if you have a testimony concerning it. Or if you're a dad who's been through it.

Don't tell them you know how you feel if you don't. I think the most important thing is just being there for them and letting them know you care.
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Golf Cart Mafia Capo Posts: 2714 **1/2/13 10:09 pm**

I counsel a lot of people with...

Acts-celerater Posts: 881 **1/3/13 11:55 am**

post traumatic stress. Let no one kid you, this is a person in post traumatic stress. It does not mean they are victims of PTSD, just that they suffer from many of the same emotions of a person experiencing PTS.

here is what I tell people experiencing PTS:

1. Whatever you are feeling is normal and ligitimate.
2. This is your experience and do not let other people tell you how to feel.
3. Take all the time you need to fuilly experience this loss.
4. While doing number 3 do not forget to live yourself.
5. No one can fix this, it is something to be lived and endured.
6. You are strong enough, (if Christian, strong through Christ).
7. Connect with faiht or reconnect with your faith.
8. I love you, God loves you and we are both grieving with you.
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Pax,

Ray

Acts Enthusiast Posts: 1924 **1/3/13 4:39 pm**

Very sound advise.

Whatever you do, don't avoid them and act as if everything is ok. With the loss of a child it really makes no difference when the loss occurred either before or after the birth. The woman in particular, feels the same kind of grief, guilt, responsibility, etc. Reinterate as often as necessary that she is not at fault; that God loves her; that the child is safe and with Jesus now.

Golf Cart Mafia Underboss Posts: 3944 **1/3/13 8:16 pm**

Regina and I also lost two before we had our daughter and son. The first one was only a couple weeks after learning we were expecting. It was sobering, but we quickly learned how common it is and it did not stress us out as much.

The 2nd one was at about 20 weeks. We thought we had cleared the hurdle of the previous pregnancy just not 'sticking'. This time there was a baby that was delivered. This time it was a girl. This time we couldn't just go about our lives as if it hadn't been real. There was nothing to bury the first time. This time was different, and we weren't prepared for it. The grief and pain cemented my view on abortion forever. Who could possibly make this their choice? My flesh and blood. Created with the love of my life. The timing isn't right? It is an inconvenience to me? Let's just kill it???

My dad once said that if he could get just enough warning, he would love to be at Pate Cemetery just up the hill from Buhl, AL CoG when the rapture occurred. There are not a lot of places that you can find Hodos buried, but that hilltop is full of them. They have been living next to that swamp since 1825.

Standing on that hill at the grave of his younger brother, my father at 11 years old asked God why he hadn't taken him instead. My father didn't think he was good at much, and never would amount to much. It was there and then that God told him he would give his life to him as a minister of the good news.

Our daughter is buried right next to that 6 year old boy. I never got to meet either one of them, but I love them as much as anyone else in our family. And I will get to meet them both soon. My savior has promised me that.